Men are stupid. That is what a typical average Nigerian woman believe. But then, the average Nigerian man also believe women are bitches. Which make everything contradictory, shallow, and causes all kinds of silly troubles for everyone.
I wasn’t interested in getting married. All I care about is living my life. Having sex. Taking all my crazy women to cloud nine, cloud ten, cloud eleven and whatever else cloud remaining out there. I once read in a book where the author mistakenly wrote: to hell with everything. He wasn’t aware of the mistake. It was after the book was launch and people already bought about seven hundred copies both the author and the editor realized the mistake. But what nobody expect was, that line happened to be the greatest success of mankind. People who read the book was found subconsciously repeating those words to themselves when the going get tougher in their lives: to hell with everything.
And exactly. I also said it. I said it more than five thousand times when I met my first girlfriend. Back then she wanted to be a long distance jogger. I got her message on WhatsApp one day and I purposely waited two days to reply her. Not that I already know the person. Not at all. But on the sheer crazy believe that I am the best and one of motherfucking lunatics out there when it comes to crazy jogging.
I texted her. She replied within an hour. And she told me she wants me to be her coach. I decided to initiate the first move and asked her if she can do voice call. She agreed. I told her to call me back in the next twenty minutes. No problem, sir, she said. I left my phone inside and went to drink the remaining half of my Fearless energy drink.
Three minutes to go I came back in. Her call came through at exactly twenty minutes window I gave her. Which to me, it makes me respect her. And then, it forced me to reassess the situation. But either way, I rarely got beaten. Bring all your emotional loads to me. All I will do is drink one Fearless energy drink.
“Hello, sir,” she said on phone. A sweet voice. I gulped down a little bit of saliva. Relax coach! I told myself.
“Hello,” I said. “Now you can tell me exactly how you learned about me and what results you want me to bring to the table.”
She chuckled. Bad girl, I thought. And secretly I looked down at my manhood. Oh my God! This thing? I pressed it down with my hand.
“My name is Gold, sir,” she paused. “I got your number from a forum. A private chat group we’re both relevant and constant at dropping some bombs and F’ words.”
I laughed. “Actually that’s badass of you to say, huh?” I decided to drop the coach nonsense act. “You want to tell me specifically why you decide to DM me now? I mean, you could have done so if you wanted to all these while right?”
She laughed too. “I always love and enjoy your write-ups. Sometimes silly. Sometimes challenging. Sometimes interesting. Sometimes you preferred to be an asshole and just dropping nonsense all around.”
“Fûck you huh?” I glared at the phone in my hand. “You’re here to say all this in the name of wanting me to be your coach? The heck?”
She laughed all over again. “Relax coach! Actually I didn’t want us to start in a formal education anonymous nonsense way of doing things. I’m an outgoing person. And yeah, I work best when I could be open with whomever I’m dealing with.”
“You say? Repeat the last sentence!”
She cleared her throat. “Okay I’m sorry. Although I already told you I am always open. But what I mean is I wouldn’t want to work with someone if I can’t be absolutely open and direct about my life and whatever it is I’m passing through.”
I nodded. “It’s alright then. And…” I cleared my throat too. “I already love this way of communicating. I hope you don’t stop or else I’ll kick your ass.”
She did some crazy thing and sounded like goat. Although it was interesting.
“Do you have a girlfriend, sir?” she said out of nowhere.
“And if I don’t do you want to be my girlfriend?” I said back.
“I don’t dare,” she said and laughed. “I’m sure currently you’d have more than twenty wives.”
Your mother! I cursed. Why don’t you make it seventy five? Bitch!
“Actually you’re not good at guessing,” I said. “I have twenty five wives.”
We both laughed. She told me she’s living in Abeokuta. I agreed with her terms since I’m going to be her coach online alone. I sent her the payment method. She did the transfer. And I told her her training is starting tomorrow. We both ended the call and felt great.
And honestly, I haven’t met a student this interesting since I started my coaching career. Phew! How wonderful. And that was how I set myself up for a crazy mission. A mission of teaching a girl long distance jogging that nearly took my life.
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