Author: Isaiah Lasisi

When I got there the guy was walking away. I let him go. I didn’t know how it happened. Maybe Gold was distracted and collided with him. How come you’re this handsome but have that shallow voice and impatient attitude? I thought looking at the guy back. I picked the phone from the ground and passed it to her.

“It’s okay. Life happens sometimes,” I smiled.

She’s much more beautiful outside the camera. She was short, but with more eye-catching backside, I believe Nini wouldn’t be able to compete. For a second I wonder how she will feel when she suddenly know that her rival got more structural shape than her. But the gods are wise, Nini is generally appealing, since she got a more fairer body. I grinned like a baby and pretended I haven’t see her confusion. She was looking at me, trying to process what the exact thing was going on. I decided to help her out.

“Stop looking at me that way,” I said. “I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t worried about you. I thought something more dangerous happened.”

“It can’t be true right?” she said, surprised. But not much. All of a sudden she started blushing.

I stuffed the phone in her hand.

“Dumb head,” I said. “You’re blushing instead of collecting your phone from me.”

She said nothing. Just standing there. I waved my hand in her face like saying, Hey! Are you there? You’re seeing my rigid hand right?

She smiled.

“I can see you,” she said. “But so fast? I don’t really believe in superstition, I always thought Nollywood are lying.”

I said nothing to that. She removed the sim cards out of the phone and placed it in her backpack. She kept the phone too. When she was done she didn’t know how to react anymore. I started smiling.

“At least stop smiling. As a coach a situation like this you’re supposed to guide me,” she said, twisting the logic. But she said it with a clean beautiful face.

“You know the road and you’re telling me to guide you?” I said. “No wonder you collided with that guy.”

She laughed. “Was it not you that caused it? Since our training started I’ve hurt myself more than eight times.”

I wasn’t sure if she was just saying that for fun. But she turned and showed me some bruises.

“I fell down two times,” she said. “The remaining times I will hit someone head-on or someone hit me. I bumped into a cab once.”

“Maybe training and smartphones are not compatible,” I said. “I will round up your training before going back, to avoid more trouble. Now let’s leave small talk. You will lead the road? Or you’re still busy talking about Nollywood?

We started jogging together. She knew the terrain. She said she relocated some years ago, that initially Lagos was her base, but although her family are in IBD and OSGB. I listened to her as we go. When she got tired we would walk, I told her no rest until we’re done.

“Are you leaving immediately?” she said after giving her phone to the smart engineer she said he’s the best. Maybe and maybe not, but the guy look competent. He was still sleeping when we disturbed him. I could guess the guy likes her, but he’s the type that wasn’t bold enough to say what he’s feeling.

I nodded. “I should. I still have some other things to do at home.”

She went sullen. Dropping her emotion to ground zero. She nodded her head but wasn’t saying anything. We walked on.

But where are we going? We’re not jogging anymore, are we?

“Gold, …”

“Don’t say Gold,” she glared at me and cut me off. “Not that I was begging you to stay with me. But going back all of a sudden is unfair. I hate you.”

What? I wanted to scold her and demand for respect. But boom! She started running. At first I wasn’t thinking much of it. But suddenly I had a bad feeling. I kickstart and ran after her.

She could run fast. More than average compare to most people. But she couldn’t run faster than me.

“You think going around with that two short legs make you invisible?” I caught up with her and said.

“I don’t want to talk to you, you can go back since that is what you want to do,” she said not looking at me.

“Alright then,” I said and vanished into thin air.

I got back home and changed. Nini already left for work and prepared some silly food for me. I ate it. After making sure the room is in order I closed the door and went to Victoria shop.

“The Man,” Victoria said when she saw me. It was her way of taunting me. Within a week we knew each other she counted five different women, in which I told her none of which is my girlfriend. The next day it was a new title she brought for me, The Man. And since then I’ve got used to it. I even felt it’s cool. In the end I assumed it’s because we are higher animal, since that is what biology called us. Or was it science or in agricultural? I wasn’t paying much attention back in secondary school.

“The Woman,” I said back. It had never sit well with her. She glared back.

“Don’t call me the woman,” she blew her cheeky face at me. “Get married but you said no. I don’t even know if those girls are just like you, wasting time for nothing. And they’re dumb, chasing a man like you. What the heck?”

“You can’t see what they see, doesn’t matter if you’re using microscope.” I said and got serious.

“What about the Eagle FM?” I asked.

She got serious too.

“I think we should go there personally, today maybe,” she said. “Their boss was making it seem like a big deal. It is just placing advert and he was talking big.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “Those big radio always assumed they’re some big-shot head in the clay soil son of bitches. Let’s pay him a visit this afternoon.”

Victoria glared at me and pouted. “You think you’re more better than them? You’re taking women and dumping them, what make you think you’re different?”

“Have you gotten your salary?” I asked.

She was smiling and kissing my ass the next moment. She even said there’s this one girl coming to her shop lately to buy medicine. She said she knew I will like her. I told her to fuck off and sat down on my plastic chair, I bought it and put it in her shop, I always it while thinking and sipping Fearless energy drink.

By now Gold emotional state will be upsidedown, I thought. Dumb head. Taunting a man you already know can disappear and reappear at any fucking time he feels like, huh? Good for you. And now there’s no phone she can use to call me. Maybe I shouldn’t have left that way. Whatever, was she not the one making an ass out of it? I shrugged.

I didn’t know Victoria was watching me.

“The Man, The Man!” she said, mocking me. “The Isaiah Lasisi of our time. Are you thinking about another girl?”

“Your mother,” I cursed.

“Mo sin yin je,” she said and ran off.

I smiled.

She meant I said the same thing as you. It mean copy and paste in computer. I repeat what you said and say it back to you. I watched her go. I liked her. But she already had a kid.

To helped her back then I signed her as my personal assistant, doing absolutely nothing. Well, maybe doing something. At least I felt happy seeing her around. And she’s always happy too, when I’m with her. I guess that is what a life well lived is all about? In the journey it is the simple things that usually end up being matters, like getting glared at and hearing Mo sin yin je from the women you cared about?

My phone beeped. I checked it. It was Nini. Her message read: Come to our shop after you left Sis Victoria shop. I clicked my phone and put it to sleep.

I didn’t text her back. Because I wasn’t sure if I will be able to go.

I was busy contemplating whether to run or jog this morning. There was heavy rain going outside. I have done it before, times without number. I have ran under heavy rain until I couldn’t go again. Then I turned it to jogging. But my legs couldn’t move. So I waited and let some strength circulated. Then I tried again. Not running. Not jogging. I was walking. Gradually. People hiding under roof were looking at me that day, like a maniac. Some pointed their hands at me, maybe hauling some abusive words at me, or praising me, no way to tell, I was busy fighting the rain and the rising pressure of breathing. But I survived. I always do. And I am thinking the same way today. Should I run or jog?

“Babe,” Nini said. “I want to ask you about Gold.”

I glanced back. She was still resting on the mat. Sometimes I pity her. Why would you fall for a guy like me? I mean, nothing in this room okay? But then I would shrugged and chose to believe what my dad once said: You don’t change your lifestyle for a woman, you change it for yourself. His philosophy had helped me.

“She’s doing fine,” I said. “Her training is going well. Just a week to go and I will round up everything with her.”

“No babe,” she said and moved closer. “I think she likes you.”

I nodded. “I know she did. I just don’t want to add another woman to my life.”

“But babe…” now she was cuddling me like a cat. I even thought if I should knock her head.

“What if you consider her?” she said burying her head on me.

I glared. “You’re supposed to look up saying that.”

“What? You think I’m not courageous? Nikini? So you think you’re the only one brave enough?” she crawled around and came face-to-face with me.

“Now listen,” she said. “You must accept her. And there’s no room for negotiation.”

I wanted to burst out laughing. What kind of confidence is this?

I smiled. “Okay.”

“What?” she stood up. “Have you been thinking about knåcking her before? And what about the girl that came to your room that day? Arg! I will kill you today.”

She jumped on me.

We ended up scattering the whole room. And instead of going to jogging I was busy helping her rearrange all the setup. She was good on bed. Sometimes I even felt it’s a blessing to have her.

“Don’t joke with that anymore,” I said. “Gold is older than you. I don’t want a situation where I will have to explain who is the senior wife and who is the second wife everyday for the rest of my life. Spare me that trouble, okay?

She grinned. “We will not fight.”

Ah! I placed my hand on her forehead. “Do you have fever?”

She shook her head.

“No. I have no fever. Wait, why are you asking?”

You’re an idiot, I thought.

“So why are you so keen on having rival?” I said instead.

“I just want to experience it,” she said. “I believe I will understand her.”

“How did you develop this silliness? You only talked to her twice.”

She smiled. “I talked to her more than two times babe. Well to shock you, I am talking to her almost everyday.”

She gave me her phone and opened their chat. I was laughing the next second. Two idiots. They have even agreed between themselves it will work.

“Alright,” I said. “For the fact that you broke the rule of ninety nine section five degree of seventy five slash two, under the ratio one-zero-nine of LL Lasisi you’re denied the ultimate freedom and capacity of sex for the next seven hundred and twenty two milliseconds.”

She stood up. Then she left the room. When she came back inside she was holding a long spoon.

“What’s that?” I glanced at the spoon.

“Your section two-zero-four underscore eleven thousand slash slash thirty two and thirty five of its subsection one-four-two said…” I already off my pants and ran straight to her and kissed her.

We both bursted out laughing.

When we calmed down I told her. “You’re an idiot.”

“I learned it from you,” she said playing with my hair.

“I will tell her to pay us a visit then. After her training is completed.”

She nodded. “I will appreciate it. She told me she likes you even before she ever messaged you.”

I nodded. “It happens sometimes.”

She became serious. Her emotions just dropped suddenly.

“Do you know that women experience that all the time?” she said. Not really a question. It is more like she was talking to herself. So I let her continue.

“We felt lonely. But the problem is we’re not bold enough to show it and we die every day with a little bit of regret.”

I hugged her. She tight her hands around me.

“I’m lucky,” she said. “I haven’t worry about anything. I know you’re not perfect.” She looked up at me. “But you’re the best.”

I just hugged her and said nothing.

“Should we call her?” she said.

I thought about it. In the end I shook my head.

“You should do it,” I said. “If I call her she will feel like you’re helping her fate, and she will detest it forever.”

She nodded. “Okay babe.”

I forgot about long distance jogging. And I helped her set the room in order. I wasn’t the type that hurt a woman, most especially a woman that truly cares about me and about my happiness.

At night I wrote some chapters in my book. But before falling asleep I deleted two chapters and left one. I felt it wasn’t good enough. Which I later thought it was stupid. Why not just wrote the damn thing and forget about it?

The next morning I did as I always do. Training with Gold was always online. We both came online and hit the road at the same time, looking at each other’s face through the front camera. I started looking at her differently. And at that moment I felt I understand what Nini said: Do you know that women experience that all the time? Then she had added: We felt lonely.

“Gold,” I said.

“Sir?” she was smiling through the camera.

“Do you like me?”

There was silence. Then I heard a sound. I wanted to see what was wrong when I realized the screen was showing asphalt instead of showing her face. Then the next second I heard a voice saying Next time you’re jogging on the road you will look front. And then a pa crack cack sound followed.

I stared at my phone. The asphalt was gone. The sound I heard was gone. And I didn’t hear a single sound from Gold.

I stopped, looked hard around. When I realized people were not paying too much of attention to me I disappeared into thin air.

How I met Nini was a little bit complicated. I wasn’t happy at her at first. There was this guy running after her. He was handsome. And he had a bike. But I always shook my head at the guy. He was an idiot. Maybe his mother didn’t know that she had mother a idiot as a son. And his father too. Which mean men are careless. We shouldn’t be allowing our son to be idiot. We should teach them how to attract women instead of them chasing and going in a roundabout way around them.

Every night the guy would show up. Bought all kinds of different things along. Some nights he bought nothing. Maybe he had better advisors those nights. But then all of a sudden he’s back to buying things. Lemon. Orange. Casava. Mango. Watermelon. Juice. Fried chicken. Fried rice. Jollof rice. Indomie. Then suddenly he would switch to suya and goat meat. Maybe he had even bought monkey meat and didn’t tell her. Maybe the guy knew we’d eat from the food. Because Nini was an apprentice, and her boss happened to be my tight friend, and I happened to be going there regularly, and the guy would see me and smiled trying to be friendly, in which I will grinned back at him, which makes me always felt that he knew we’re eating his food.

Stupidly they both continued like that. And sometimes Nini would come to me for advice. Since I’m a professional when it comes to jogging, I guessed to them it makes me qualified for other areas of life. And I will end up giving her all kinds of irrational advice. And she will end up taking them with smile all over her face, while sitting there and blinking her eyes like a child.

Giving her advice felt lovely. But my advice is destroying her life, gradually, because I was tilting her head in a direction of no return. I was manipulating the advice to make her develop feelings for me, in which she did, and I had sex with her the night she wasn’t even expecting it. Or maybe she was already expecting it. Maybe I was the one not paying attention enough.

I didn’t show up at my friend shop on that fateful day. The shop is my normal go-to when I’m bored at home. But I wasn’t bored at home today. I was having a date with a girl that tickle a fancy on me. She lives around the neighborhood. Always glancing at me when I’m going out for my long distance jogging. So I approached her one day and collected her number. We started chatting. And I asked her to show up. She declined two times. But out of the blue she texted me again and said she’s free and if I’m around she will show up. No worries, I didn’t give a damn about AIDS or some kind of diseases people talk about out there. And not like I would bite her when she show up right? And not that I wouldn’t use condom if we manage to reach that level. So I agreed and she came. And she was with me when my friend called.

“Møtherfûcker,” he said. “We don’t see you today, hope there’s no problem?”

“Not at all,” I said, pressing my palm on the girl ass. “Just got a visitor at home.”

He chuckled. “You should take your time then. And your girlfriend is also asking of you.”

“My girlfriend?”

“Nini of course. Since morning she’s disturbing me to check on you. She wants to know if you’re dead or alive.”

“Your father,” I cursed. “Why don’t you give her the phone?”

“You say? Did you run too much today? You want to burn my call card talking to my apprentice? Are you the one in one-thousand naira note?”

“God punish your mama,” I said and ended the call. But the bastard called back.

“You want to get your ass kicked now?” I said without even looking at the phone.

“Coach,” it was Nini voice.

My God! Did I just want to kicked a damn girl ass? The girl in my arm is now giving some kind of reaction. I squeezed her ass and patted her to calm down.

“Coach are you coming today?” Nini said, her voice was so sweet on the phone. No wonder this idiot guy keep on disturbing her.

“Do you want to take another advice?” I teased her.

“Yes. I want you to give me advice.”

I looked at my phone again as if I am staring at a gadget I didn’t know how to use and operate anymore.

“You can come then,” I said. “There’s no certainty I am going anywhere again today.”

“Yeah no problem,” she said enthusiastically. “I will call you with my number when I’m coming. It is GB right?”

I nodded. “Yeah GB.”

She ended the call and I was left speechless.

The neighboring girl felt ignored and told me she’d be going soon. I placated her and we had sex again. I already guessed she was on her ovulation period, that was the reason she texted me since I happened to be near to her immediate need. Was I being used? Whatever. If I got use in such a way that made me get exactly what I want to get right from the start, why not get used over and over again? A boyfriend is dying for her right? And the dumb head will be working his ass off somewhere hoping to earn some cash so that he can be a good guy to her. I looked at her again and kissed her. She blushed.

“You should be ready to leave right?” I said. I was still pinning her down with my dïck inside her.

“Because of that girl?” she said. “Is that why you want me to leave?”

I decided that lying is not good at that point. So I told her the truth.

“Yeah,” I said. “She will be here around eight o’clock.”

She was a little bit angry. But in the end she said, “Okay.”

We did nothing else after that. And I wasn’t in the mood to make her feel special anymore. I followed her outside and pecked her on the cheek. I told her to take care of herself. She didn’t reply. She just glared at me and left. Your problem, I thought.

My room wasn’t that special. No mattress. Just a small mat and carpet. I used to train inside sometimes, so I didn’t add anything fancy.

After freshing up I went outside to buy beans, I still have some bread inside. Nini called me on my way there. I directed her on phone and we both got back home together, she was holding my food in her hand.

“God, coach!” she exclaimed when she got inside. “So you didn’t lie when you said you don’t have mattress.”

I smiled. “Why would I lie? You people are not paying me for lying right?”

“Wow you’re different,” then she turned around, I wasn’t sure if it was on purpose or just by mistake. Because the next thing that happened was my hand touching her hand. I wanted to pull back, but she hold me.

“Nini,” I said. “You can get hurt.”

“I know,” she said. “I wouldn’t be here otherwise.”

That night she didn’t go home. We had sex. Her body felt light. I was all over her and she was happy I did. The next day she brought her cooking utensils and told me: “From now on I am teaching you how to cook.”

That was how it happened. She became my girlfriend.

Men are stupid. That is what a typical average Nigerian woman believe. But then, the average Nigerian man also believe women are bitches. Which make everything contradictory, shallow, and causes all kinds of silly troubles for everyone.

I wasn’t interested in getting married. All I care about is living my life. Having sex. Taking all my crazy women to cloud nine, cloud ten, cloud eleven and whatever else cloud remaining out there. I once read in a book where the author mistakenly wrote: to hell with everything. He wasn’t aware of the mistake. It was after the book was launch and people already bought about seven hundred copies both the author and the editor realized the mistake. But what nobody expect was, that line happened to be the greatest success of mankind. People who read the book was found subconsciously repeating those words to themselves when the going get tougher in their lives: to hell with everything.

And exactly. I also said it. I said it more than five thousand times when I met my first girlfriend. Back then she wanted to be a long distance jogger. I got her message on WhatsApp one day and I purposely waited two days to reply her. Not that I already know the person. Not at all. But on the sheer crazy believe that I am the best and one of motherfucking lunatics out there when it comes to crazy jogging.

I texted her. She replied within an hour. And she told me she wants me to be her coach. I decided to initiate the first move and asked her if she can do voice call. She agreed. I told her to call me back in the next twenty minutes. No problem, sir, she said. I left my phone inside and went to drink the remaining half of my Fearless energy drink.

Three minutes to go I came back in. Her call came through at exactly twenty minutes window I gave her. Which to me, it makes me respect her. And then, it forced me to reassess the situation. But either way, I rarely got beaten. Bring all your emotional loads to me. All I will do is drink one Fearless energy drink.

“Hello, sir,” she said on phone. A sweet voice. I gulped down a little bit of saliva. Relax coach! I told myself.

“Hello,” I said. “Now you can tell me exactly how you learned about me and what results you want me to bring to the table.”

She chuckled. Bad girl, I thought. And secretly I looked down at my manhood. Oh my God! This thing? I pressed it down with my hand.

“My name is Gold, sir,” she paused. “I got your number from a forum. A private chat group we’re both relevant and constant at dropping some bombs and F’ words.”

I laughed. “Actually that’s badass of you to say, huh?” I decided to drop the coach nonsense act. “You want to tell me specifically why you decide to DM me now? I mean, you could have done so if you wanted to all these while right?”

She laughed too. “I always love and enjoy your write-ups. Sometimes silly. Sometimes challenging. Sometimes interesting. Sometimes you preferred to be an asshole and just dropping nonsense all around.”

“Fûck you huh?” I glared at the phone in my hand. “You’re here to say all this in the name of wanting me to be your coach? The heck?”

She laughed all over again. “Relax coach! Actually I didn’t want us to start in a formal education anonymous nonsense way of doing things. I’m an outgoing person. And yeah, I work best when I could be open with whomever I’m dealing with.”

“You say? Repeat the last sentence!”

She cleared her throat. “Okay I’m sorry. Although I already told you I am always open. But what I mean is I wouldn’t want to work with someone if I can’t be absolutely open and direct about my life and whatever it is I’m passing through.”

I nodded. “It’s alright then. And…” I cleared my throat too. “I already love this way of communicating. I hope you don’t stop or else I’ll kick your ass.”

She did some crazy thing and sounded like goat. Although it was interesting.

“Do you have a girlfriend, sir?” she said out of nowhere.

“And if I don’t do you want to be my girlfriend?” I said back.

“I don’t dare,” she said and laughed. “I’m sure currently you’d have more than twenty wives.”

Your mother! I cursed. Why don’t you make it seventy five? Bitch!

“Actually you’re not good at guessing,” I said. “I have twenty five wives.”

We both laughed. She told me she’s living in Abeokuta. I agreed with her terms since I’m going to be her coach online alone. I sent her the payment method. She did the transfer. And I told her her training is starting tomorrow. We both ended the call and felt great.

And honestly, I haven’t met a student this interesting since I started my coaching career. Phew! How wonderful. And that was how I set myself up for a crazy mission. A mission of teaching a girl long distance jogging that nearly took my life.