Category: Silent MØTHERFÛCKER

My mother once told me: Never look down on a woman that truly appreciate your existence in her life. I had nodded and forget the words. But occasionally that sentence will keep on coming back, jumping around in my head. Never look down on a woman. The first part was my problem. I always look down on them. But the last part was my strength. That truly appreciate your existence in her life.

I texted Happiness first.

“Dumb head. You’re not a kid, are you? Why falling in love so hard?”

Withing forty seconds she texted back.

“You enh. I just missed you, that’s all”

I replied her immediately.

“But I’m in shop.”

She sent me some dumb emojis. Then she texted.

“Wow! Aww! So you have a shop”

I wonder if she was mad. What kind of statement is So you have a shop? But I changed my thought.

So I texted.

“What was the wow and the aww about?”

She sent a laughing sticker. Then she added.

“You’re sweet. Chop kiss. So what are you selling”

I wanted to ask: why are you not using your question mark, is the design expensive enough that using it hurt your heart? But instead I typed:

“Alcohol.”

Immediately the girl went berserk. And we spent seven minutes on a lecture I didn’t register or filled a form for.

She went on telling me about how I could die at a young age. That all the people drinking alcohol will die. The whole country will die. In fact everyone will die. But she was forgetting that if everyone indeed died her family members are not getting away as well. So I reminded her about them.

She went another berserk. Typing faster than how Usain Bolt could ever ran a hundred metre race. When I got tired I asked her:

“Well, when are you planning to visit me then?”

All of a sudden she jumped a one-hundred-and-eighty degree turn. Secretly I wanted to convince myself she’s not eighteen years old yet. Like she must definitely be around twelve or thirteen. Because the heck? Someone that was cursing me and everyone who drank alcohol just now? She just forgot such a taboo topic of her life all because of a single question? Just like that?

Her next messages read:

“Oh handsome”

“I so much love you… kiss”

“Send me the address of your shop and I will come now”

“And handsome…”

“Ah…”

“I’m blushing right now”

“Will you allow me to drink”

I wanted to off my phone and threw it in the garbage trash.

“Babe are you there?”

Thank God she managed to use question mark.

I replied. “Yes.”

“Aww. Thank you so much my love.”

Then:

“I’m waiting nah. Text me the address”

I did voice note instead and gave her the best way to get to the shop. I knew she wouldn’t know much about the city since she was staying at the hostel. And I told her to be careful of bike men, if not she will get ripped.

She replied with voice note and thanked me. She even demanded I should teach her all those skills of dealing with bike men.

I smiled and told her when she arrived I will teach her. She gave me an invisible kiss before going offline.

Oluwasikemi was out of the equation. An arrogant woman like hers I wasn’t that interested. I left her message hanging there. And she didn’t text back either. Maybe her pride was keeping her from double-texting.

I texted the lady beside my shop.

“Are you online?”

She texted back.

“I wouldn’t be reading your message if I’m not.”

So I told her straight up that I am leaving the shop any moment the lady that is coming to visit me arrived. And immediately she told me all kind of shitty behavior I have, how I will come to shop late and leave just at anytime I want, and how I don’t have a specific girlfriend, and how she was unsure if those girls are stupid, why dating a guy like me. She rumbles on and on. When she was done I dropped my last message.

“Just close the shop for me when you’re going home and forget I ever existed.”

Before she could text back I went offline.

I knew she likes me. But she already have a boyfriend. And the guy is a nigga I somehow like his way of doing things. Because of him I spare her.

By the time Happiness arrived I was done with my office work. Or shop work.

All I did in shop all day is to sit down like a robot, and then stood up occasionally to sell market. Well, if customers ever show up. So as time goes on I decided to stop wasting the time. I started writing a book.

Okay, that was a lie. I started writing two books. All at once. I wasn’t sure if people would read it. But hey, who cares? I’d rather weird it out and put it in front of their faces and leave them gnawing their teeth worrying about how shîtty it will make their days.

Or maybe I was thinking wrong. Maybe it will light their days. But I wasn’t the one to judge. Let them and the book fight each other. The bike arrived in front of the shop and the dumb girl was grinning at me.

“You think I will not get the road without calling you?” she said, grinning.

“At least pay the bike first,” I said.

She glared in my direction.

“Do you even know you’re outside?” she glanced at the lady inside the shop beside me. I ignored her altogether and let her deal with her shit herself.

Eventually she paid and came inside. Nobody open a liquor shop with a closed doors at working hours, unless they’re idiots. She greeted the lady beside my shop but I wasn’t sure if she answered her.

“The real business man,” she said, looking around.

I left her because I already know she will be disappointed soon enough. All I sell is bitters and two types of beers. And sure she got bored, after what looks like nine seconds.

“What are you selling for God sake?” she lament. “No Smirnoff. No Heineken. No Big Ben. No Bullet. Arg! You’re a business man indeed.”

Your problem, I thought. I left her whining and complaining to the void.

“Babe?” she said.

I glanced at her but said nothing.

“So you want to leave me standing here?”

“I thought you came to count the products and go back,” I said.

“Ah!” she jumped on me and kissed me.

Then she kissed me again.

“Oya I’m sorry okay?” she said, followed by more kisses.

I used the momentum.

“Let’s go visit a friend,” I whispered to her ear and kissed her back.

“Hmm! That’s cool,” she nodded. “It will be so boring here anyway.”

Idiot, I thought. I kissed her again and said, “Yeah.”

We left the shop and I did all my possible best to not look at the lady beside me and the noisy neighbor at the opposite.

Happiness greeted them both and waved at the lady beside my shop. Mainly because she was a nurse and was running a chemist shop. A doctor and a nurse. Like attracts like.

But I wasn’t taking her to visit a friend. I was taking her to my hometown.

Four guys. Different attitude. Not much tattoos. I pretended I wasn’t seeing them and walked on. They followed.

I passed the nearest street and moved close to a corner. I stopped and glanced at the guys. I nodded in their direction.

“Talk,” I said.

“We want to collect money,” one of the guys said. “And we use POS,” he brought one out of his pocket. “And we also use force,” he brought a knife out.

“Okay. How much?”

Huh? The guys glanced at each other. Then I saw opportunity written all over there eyes, but they were worried, somehow, like they haven’t sure what this may lead to. But it will not lead to anything. At least nothing that had never happened before. They will all be fine, in the end. Maybe.

Another guy volunteered to talk.

“Give us ten K,” the new volunteer said.

No argument. I brought the money out but it seem like the money is more than ten thousand. So I counted it. It totalled eleven thousand seven hundred. I cut one thousand seven hundred out of it and threw the remaining ten K to the guy.

They laughed. One of the guy nodded to me and said, “I like you man, believe me. Anytime you’re coming to visit her don’t forget to bring us something.”

I smiled.

“I’m a nigga too,” I said. “Do try to make sure no other guy is chasing her.”

“We’re the street man,” the guy replied. “Rest assured.”

I turned around and walked on. I knew it will take them up to two minutes to realized what had just happened. It was the money in their pockets I gathered to pay them. And I got a profit of one thousand seven hundred. Not a bad deal. Seem like my grandfather didn’t lie to me.

That day he had said: Isaiah, always keep this with you at all time. At first I didn’t have interest, because it was just a cowry money, something that was valuable back then in the old days, but not at all valuable anymore. But the tiny white cowry just disappeared out of his hand into thin air and reappeared on my neck with a rope. The heck? So I decided to treat it with some care since then. And it had helped me more than four hundred times since that day.

Should I check on my junior brother on my way home? I disqualified the idea. All he knows how to do is tell me about all kinds of girls he just met, only to end all the stories in the same way: What should I do?

The time is going just as it normally does. But I didn’t know how to cook, and I wasn’t I interested in learning it, I felt it’s kinda boring, boring and repetitive. I bought one Fearless energy drink and one small bread. Not that I will eat the bread tonight, it is for the next morning. But I will sip from the Fearless energy drink, before falling asleep.

Most of my time is always spent on thinking. Then doing some little push-ups. I write too, but not always, since I will go a long distance jogging, almost every day. So mostly I am always silent, except my girl is around or the situation call for talking. My girl? I decided to think about it.

I graduated secondary school around 2011. No serious relationship since then. But I got a woman pregnant before leaving the school behind. I don’t know where she is now. Had she fallen in love with another person? She had to. It had been a long time.

The next morning I woke up and checked my messages. I felt like smiling. There was a message from Happiness, and then Oluwasikemi.

Happiness: “Hello handsome, good morning. You didn’t miss me too much right? Text me when you wake up.”

I replied her: “Good morning. Just woke up now. You want to check my tiny room when you’re free sometime?”

The message was delivered but not read yet. I checked Oluwasikemi messages. It was two.

She texted: “I hope you know that was not how they treated a woman?”

Maybe she was worried when she didn’t get a reply. Because her next message read: “Will you check me at school when you’re free?”

I don’t like playing game. I replied her: “It’s okay. You can only come if you want to.”

After texting the two of them. I did all my sluggish daily routine from brushing my teeth and taking bath but before then I already did some little push-ups and eat the bread and drank water then topped it up with the remaining Fearless energy drink before jogging to shop. I am helping a brother taking care of a liquor shop. But in reality, I was just there because it gives me peace of mind. And because it helps me to disguised people out of my mission.

“You came late today,” the lady opposite my shop said. “People already comes to buy market but left when they didn’t see you.”

I looked at her and didn’t talk. I came late? People already come to buy market? You could have broke the damn door and sold it to them, no wonder you’re here all your life and didn’t achieve anything. Idiot!

“Bro you’re here,” one of the guys that already knew I only open at twelve noon walked up to me. “I want you to check this ticket for me agba.”

“Is it a sports betting or lotto?” I nodded to him and said.

“Lotto is for mathematicians,” the guy laughed. “I don’t dare putting my hard earned money into that. It is sports.”

He handed his phone to me and I went through the ticket. It was perfect. I just removed two games I felt will likely not score enough goals. I gave the phone back to him.

“Give me X-MAN boss, I want to copy your style today” the guy said after putting money on the game. I wasn’t interested in knowing his staking capacity.

“X-MAN alone cannot make you be like me,” I said. “You will have to add Fearless energy drink and a little bit of water. You might die young otherwise.”

The guy laughed. “But I will still dïe either way?”

I nodded. “Yeah. You will dïe.” Then I bursted out laughing too. “I think we will all dïe.”

We both started laughing and the guy left after gulping down the X-MAN and transferred the money to me. He always makes me felt happiness is very simple. All the time I’ve known him he had never complain. Even if his betting ticket cut he’d just smile and look at me and said: Boss, another one got fired. We’d both laughed after that and then try some more tactics.

At around 2 PM both girls texted me, almost at the same time. And both of them was saying the same thing. They wanted to pay me a visit.

I love her. She’s beautiful. Just two weeks I already felt like I knew her for five years.

“So what’s the story?” she said, eating her food. “You like her or she’s the one liking you?”

“She said she’s Happiness,” I said. “I sometimes work with my boss anytime I feel like and somehow she said I have helped her.”

“But you gave her your phone number.”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

She remain silent. I was watching her eating her food. She bought me some kind of mixing. I am not specific. So I joined her and started eating. No point worrying about what she thought. She’s not my girlfriend yet. I only met her about two weeks ago, so she can go fuck herself if she didn’t like me.

“Do you have another girlfriend?” she asked.

“I’m not sure if I have girlfriends,” I replied. “You all make relationship complicated.”

“What are you trying to say?”

I tested the meat. It was okay.

“I’m not interested in talking about philosophy,” I said. “That’s what I’m trying to say.”

There was silence. We both stayed like that for five minutes. Then we finished our food without talking to each other. She waved one staff over and requested for POS machine. She paid and stood up.

“Thanks for the time,” she said and walked out. I smiled and keep sitting down. I figured I could wait thirty minutes and then varnished into thin air.

I ordered for one Fearless energy drink. There was no alcohol. I couldn’t blame them. A organization in their right senses wouldn’t add heavy load of alcohol where they’re offering fast-food. That is stupidity. People would eat and drink and cause all kinds of trouble after, once the alcohol started kicking in.

My phone beeped.

Actually I already guessed she’s the one. But I was wrong. It was a WhatsApp message from the girl before, Happiness.

Her text read: “Can I have a date with you now? I am still around.”

Assess and evaluate. Not bad, I thought.

I texted back: “It’s okay. Come in.”

She reacted with love emoji and showed up within two minutes. I smiled.

She sat down exactly where Oluwasikemi just left behind and grinned at me.

“Surprised?” she said.

I shrugged. “Nope.”

“Why was that?”

“It is obvious,” I said. “Why would you text me some minutes after she left?”

“Hmm,” she murmured. “You do this regularly? Predicting a woman’s move.”

I sipped the Fearless energy drink.

“Depending on the situation,” I said. “I do if I have to.”

She waved her hand. As if saying Nah, don’t give me that shit. I ignored her and keep on sipping my caffeinated sugar inducing and can kill you and damage your liver kind of soft drink.

“Well?” she was looking at me.

I stared back at her.

“I mean, won’t you buy me anything?” she said.

“What year is this?” I asked.

“2019.”

“And you want me to pay for a date you initiated?”

She looked confused. Then worry. Then eagerness. Then some kind of pride.

“Okay,” she nodded and stood up. She left her bag on the table, to indicate she wasn’t leaving. But I care less. She came back with Coke in her hand. And some snacks.

“You happy now?” she said.

“That you’re buying yourself Coke and snacks?”

She shook her head.

“That I’m paying for myself,” she said.

“I’d be happy if you’re adding one more Fearless energy drink for me,” I said. “Apart from that I don’t really care.”

She opened her eyes wide. Like she was suddenly staring at an alien.

“Are you drinking two of this thing per day?” she pointed at the Fearless container.

“You want to lecture me on that?” I asked back.

“Shit!” she said. “Shit! Shit! Shit! You are killing yourself. This thing is bad for your kidney.”

I looked at her like she’s an idiot. I am sitting down here and you think a drink is killing me? How come I haven’t die? You idiot!

“So what do you read in school?” I said.

“I’m here for my master degree,” she said.

“I didn’t ask you for that.”

“Okay. I’m a doctor.”

“Doctor or a nurse?”

“Doctor.”

“Okay,” I said.

Then I concentrated on studying her. She’s a beautiful woman. Maybe I should consider making her a girlfriend.

“You live at hostel or get an apartment in the city?” I asked.

“I live at hostel. Why?” she was looking at me.

“I could pay you a visit. The same way you did when my girlfriend left.”

She didn’t finish her drink. She said her hostel wasn’t that far and we can just take a walk. We did. And that happened to caused me another trouble.

We walked side by side. Not talking much. But occasionally she pointed here and there. And some guys greeted her on the road.

Her apartment was dope. It seem reasonable enough. No sitting room. A bed and wardrobe. A kitchen and a bathroom, side by side. I sat down on the bed.

“You don’t even ask if you should sit down there,” she said half-heartedly.

“I’m not used to asking such question,” I replied.

She was standing still. I was looking at her. Then she was lost in thought. Eventually she came back to her senses.

“I want to change,” she said.

“It’s your home,” I said. “You’re free to do anything.”

“You want to keep looking at me?”

“Except you want me to help you in the process.”

She laughed. “So you’re not even scared?”

I stood up. “Why would I? I am staring at an attractive woman here.”

I was staring at her. She was staring back. I stretched my hand. “You want to?”

She hesitated. Then she stretched her left hand back to me. I pulled her in and placed my hand on her back to steady her.

“Don’t be the one getting scared now, okay?” I whispered. “I am not a vampire.”

She laughed. “You’re bad.”

I was with her throughout the evening. She cooked for me. I left and promised her I’ll be checking on her some other time. Although she offered to escort me, but I declined, politely, because I already know some guys are out there waiting for me.

And I saw them exactly where she first greeted them. Or to make it proper, where they first greeted her.

I wasn’t paying a penny. It was the skill I learned when I was following my boss around. He happened to be a photographer, and I would help him whenever the work in his hand is becoming unbearable. Education is bullshit. He knew. And I know. And he also knew that I know. So we’d both sit down in the students hall and listened to the lectures together. We graduated, but with no certificate, which I always felt secure about, a lecture someone’s daughter and someone’s son paid a fortune to learned, and we also learned it on full mode free of charge personally made and created scholarship.

And it was the reason I am here today. Inside the most gigantic university in town. Ogbomoso Technological University.

Girls are swarming everywhere. Very beautiful girls. I glanced at them all and I was looking a little bit longer at some. Then I saw the lady coming. I met her at a wedding celebration last two weeks. She said her name is Oluwasikemi. She’s very slim. Very flat stomach. But she had the best chest. So pompous. I smiled at her.

“Fighter,” she said. “I’m sorry to keep you waiting.”

She gave me a side hug. I looked at her head to toe. Perfect, I thought. Maybe I should give her pregnant.

“You should stop calling me Fighter okay?” I said. “Not many people know me with that name.”

She giggled. “I know. But I love calling you exactly that.”

“It’s okay then.”

When we met last two weeks I told her about my music career. I told her I had been a musician. A rapper. I told her I have up to seventeen single tracks. Then I said several tracks. And I told her my stage name is Nigerian Fighter. She was amazed. But I only have up to seven single track in reality.

She hold my hand while showing me around. But this is my hometown. I know most of the places she’s pointing and describing. I was just smiling and enjoying the show and the benefits. A woman that truly gave a fuck about you will do anything subconsciously to satisfy your beautiful get-together experiences. So far those experiences are also contributing to her happiness.

“Are you hungry?” she asked me.

I wasn’t sure. After training and exercising this afternoon I ate bread and beans.

I shook my head.

“Not sure,” I said.

She laughed. “You enh. Can someone be hungry and not know?”

“You get the point actually. It mean I am not hungry. If I am you don’t even need to ask me.”

She laughed more. It made me like her. I felt like squeezing her two rabbits.

She hold my hand all the way. And led me inside a restaurant. Ore-Ofe Canteen. I wonder if there’s anything inherently different between restaurant and canteen. Or was the English making an ass out of everyone.

I pointed to a table far ahead at the corner. A table for two. The rest of the table are all table for four. She shook her head and pointed to a nearby table.

“That table is for the owner,” she said. “Let’s stay here.”

I shrugged. Everywhere with their own shitty corporation rules. We sat down and she stood up again and mime I’m coming together with hand gesture and varnished. She reappeared far away later right in front of the available food and snacks and meat and eggs and whatever else they’re selling. She smiled at me. Her body is now tinier, because she’s far ahead, but her chest was still busty. I smiled back. But a voice broke my line of appraisal for her.

“You are Mr. Lasisi right,” the voice said. It sounded a little bit eager. But not a Yoruba accent. More like Igbo or Calabar. I looked at the owner of the voice.

She was a lady. Somehow elegant. I didn’t answer directly.

“Depends on who is asking,” I said.

She smiled. “Better safer than sorry, right? I am Happiness, the girl you helped at Amphitheater when you came with your photographer boss.”

I didn’t remember. That day was a living hell. The who hall was congested. Celebration was going on. Girls were smiling. People were graduating. And I was collecting phone numbers. The idea was to be able to transfer the pictures to their respective numbers through WhatsApp.

“It’s possible I don’t remember. You wouldn’t take that to heart right?” I said.

She smiled. “Not at all, sir.”

I nodded. I didn’t know what else to say. And it was getting awkward.

“Can I… take a seat, sir?” the girl calling herself Happiness said.

“I don’t mind. But look far ahead,” I pointed at Oluwasikemi. “That’s my girlfriend up there, she’s getting our food.”

There was disappointment in her face. But I couldn’t care less. Just because you are Happiness does not mean I’m going to feel happy seeing you. Or I have to?

She stood there for some seconds. When she noticed I wasn’t going to say anything she decided to leave. Thank goodness, I thought. But this one is also dope though. I glanced at her hips, very well built and look after. I brushed the thought aside. My mind is always causing trouble for me.

“What about your business card, sir?” she said.

I felt like she wasn’t leaving anytime soon. So I called my WhatsApp number for her.

“I don’t use business cards. So annoying to take around.” I grinned.

She nodded and smiled, blushingly.

This idiot? Blushing? I pretended I didn’t see her. And I saw Oluwasikemi coming back, some kinds of weird combination of food on her tray.

“I will text you some time sir,” the girl bearing Happiness said. “Enjoy your day with your girlfriend.” But secretly she glared in her direction. And in a tiny second I saw Oluwasikemi glaring back at her. But both of them maintained their standards.

I nodded to the girl and she left. My busty chest girlfriend placed the food on the table and sat down. I stood up and drag the two empty chairs out of our table. Oluwasikemi laughed. I didn’t want another Happiness to appear out of nowhere and start causing sorrow at my table.